It has been a while.
Since my last post way back in 2016, I've since went on with my supermarket job, graduated college with an AA in communication, moved in with a girl I liked to another town...then moved back a year later when things weren't working out (a certain pandemic didn't make things better either).
We've gone from PS4s to PS5s, fanbases have gone to the trash with toxicity, and childhoods have been ruined by either those fanbases or finding out that SURPRISE!- the people on that one show or movie you liked are actually assholes or creeps.
And over that time...I've grown to hate myself.
If seeing a few of my posts from back then had hinted at anything, I wasn't fully confident over my opinions toward what I was reviewing or writing. As time went on, that confidence only deteriorated further and further as life continued to present more problems in my direction. Whether it was the usual frustrations of work or any relationships I had with friends or family or partners, even how I would act personality-wise, somebody seemed to always have an issue with something I would be doing or not doing. It felt like all I was doing was wrong.
I felt wrong.
Started having anxiety attacks. Then in came depression, mixed in altogether in a cocktail laced with anger and stress. I've had ideas or stuff I wanted to write or type, then when it came to actually sitting down and attempting to do so, it would come with me over critiquing everything and worrying what others would think, if they ever even found the stupid thing I had written in the first place. I had been feeling that if I was talking about the subject, my thoughts would come out much better. Trying to type it...felt more like trying to unclog a toilet with so much gunky stuff in there that it could come out all clunky and terrible. No matter how many times I tried to redo a sentence or paragraph, I always thought it was crap. I would get pissed or depressed and stop altogether.
I started feeling stuck. I had ideas for so many things; my future, writings, and what I wanted to do in life. And NONE of that came to fruition. An AA in communication that I have no idea what to do with. A job of five years (transferred to another store in that year I moved so it still counts) that is burning me out and I have been hating off and on for the last year or so. Anxiety and doubt about anything I want to do outside of the rut I've established of waking up, going to work, maybe playing a game or two (If I'm even interested in the games in the first place) before mindlessly YouTube, passing out and starting all over again.
It's like one big rollercoaster- when it got good, it feels alright to breathe. But then the cart you're riding in starts diving down. It hits you fast and it gets harder to breathe. Only problem...this one isn't fun. The stress of it all gets into your head, and those slower, higher moments start to become less and less frequent. You want to get off but you're strapped in tight and no control over it all.
Sad, isn't it?
Recently though, one of those high points did happen. And it was high enough to make me feel a little brighter towards things.
At this point, I'd been isolating myself for the most part from everyone- family, even admittingly, the girlfriend I have now. Work had been grueling to deal with and almost every night I would come home grumpy and frustrated. Days off had been accompanied with some additional stress and not much time alone. It was always something somebody wanted me to join in or do for them and I really didn't want to.
I did take this one invitation to go to the movies with my brother. It was for the new Fast & Furious movie and it was a series we both enjoyed. We weren't doing much together since we were both busy with work or spending time with our respective loved ones, so a one-on-one with him was something I decided would be nice. And it was. It felt good going in with him to watch a kick-ass and ludacris (pun intended) action movie. Just the time alone felt good.
Around this time, I was contemplating another attempt at writing or doing some type of project creatively. Between 2016 and now, I also did try to run a YouTube channel with some gameplay videos or let's plays but to no avail and interest. So I was toying with either another failed writing or web project. Suddenly, I had remembered the blog. I typed the link in and sure enough...it was still here.
Nostalgia came from looking at the page. My final review was a Stephen King book (the second book in the trilogy that I didn't read the first of at the time). I took a look at that review among a few others and it hit hard on how good it felt to publish these. They looked good from the amount I skimmed over and from what a different time it had been. It felt like another person had written these- someone more optimistic and confident... though you could see the cracks starting to open up.
That night after seeing the movie, I started typing a bullet point of my thoughts on F9 : The Fast Saga. And another on a Nintendo DS game from a highly established game developer that I had picked up (thanks to my bro for finding it) that is arguably forgotten now. And plans on a ridiculous rant on something that had been bugging me lately.
I wish I could say to expect all of this in the nearby future...but given me I wouldn't hold my breath. All of that might not even come to fruition. I could try only to get frustrated or exhausted to even bother and give up again. Or maybe one of these things comes out and nothing more.
If this is my last post, whether for now or for good, I'm happy that I could let off some steam.
If not, see you in five years.
Or sooner.