The House of the Dead Remake Review

RELEASED: April 7, 2022

DEVELOPER: MegaPixel/Forever Entertainment SA  

PLAYED ON: Nintendo Switch

The House of the Dead was an on-rails light gun action game released by SEGA back in 1996-97 in arcades. As AMS agents Rogan and G, players run n’ gun deep into the titular house throughout four chapters, each ending with a boss fight. A year later, the game would get ported to Windows PCs and the Sega Saturn. It also spawned a number of sequels along with their own respective ports.

Fast forward to this year, developers MegaPixel have resurrected the original HOTD for Nintendo Switch. Not their first time remaking a SEGA classic either, having done one for Panzer Dragoon back in 2020. It must’ve done solid business to have SEGA trust them with remaking this game too.

However, after playing for several hours, this game should not have risen from its grave.

One of the first signs something was wrong came after starting a new game. The opening cutscene looks so rough it’s almost UNWATCHABLE. 

Every time it cuts to a new shot, you can see the foliage fade-in and the graphics look really rough. 

It’s not much better inside the mansion either. I think the zombies and creature models look decent- but everything else around them is muddy looking and low-res. A couple times the game stopped for a second to load up an encounter. The attraction screen that plays when the game boots up had better graphics than what I had to play.

There have been bigger games that have come onto the Switch. Despite some graphical sacrifices, they STILL look better than this. Smaller games looked better than this too. There is NO EXCUSE to why this looks the way it does. In contrast to its attraction screen, it’s borderline false advertising. I noticed the game has a performance mode, but when I turned it on, I didn’t see a damn lick of difference. The way it looked already, this probably WAS the performance mode and the devs forgot to implement the better looking graphics mode seen from the attraction screen.

Both an embarrassing spelling mistake and what I'm asking after playing this game. 

Being on the Switch presents this game the opportunity to use gyroscope/motion controls- the way the game was played back in arcades. Unfortunately, it is also the WORST way to play HOTDR! Finicky and frustrating, the reticle de-syncs from where your joy-con is pointing at from the slightest movement and needs to be recalibrated (IN-GAME) like every FIVE SECONDS. I don’t even think the Wii had this issue with their HOTD ports! 

And when you cannot play the game the way it was meant to be played? To quote a wise angry man-

“YOU DONE FUCKED IT UP!!!”

This leaves us with regular controls. They’re better, but only with classic controllers. Joy-con analogue sticks always felt weird to use for shooters and this was no exception. Once I connected my Power-A classic controller, I felt more comfortable with how the controls felt. So if you feel you MUST play this game- USE A REGULAR CONTROLLER.

So finally, after dealing with all this bull-freakin-horse shit, I actually managed to find some fun from shooting up zombie brain matter. Digging further through the gory details, I found a couple of things that I was impressed with and even had me wanting to replay the game a few more times.

For starters, choosing alternate paths through the level feels completely natural. Games of its ilk (even future sequels) usually halt the action and present windows to shoot in where to go next with a reasonable time limit. Instead, it involves shooting a monster, a door or object in the scene to head in a different direction, with only a second or so to do it. It kept that fast pace momentum going without slowing down and it keeps where the paths lead you more surprising in those first playthroughs.

That looks awesome, I will admit.

Instead of using infinite lives, HOTDR chooses a lives system consisting of arcade tokens. Playing on Normal, you’re given ten tokens/lives. Once those run out, it’ll cost 5000 points from your score to get another go. It gives your lives and score actual weight, not only in going for the best ending, but also in actually trying to preserve your lives. Though why you can’t buy more before losing all your tokens or get more than one at a time is beyond me. Also strangely, there are no online leaderboards to post your best scores against others or your online buddies. 

There’s also a “modern” score system which makes it easier to rack up points for the better ending. Consider it an alternate easy mode without bumping the actual difficulty down to easy. 

Or for those looking for that tougher challenge, there is Horde mode!... 

…which is arcade mode with a bullshit amount of zombies in encounters. You’re guaranteed to die as soon as the game starts. It’s probably easier with the additional weapons (or playing with a buddy) you can unlock by saving all the scientists- which can ALSO be bullshit. Why? It either comes down to shooting them on accident or what seems to be some of my shots not registering on a zombie despite my reticle being right on them. It’s an artificial difficulty hidden in a stupid sort of way. 

If anyone did, they'd stay away... 

The House of the Dead Remake on Switch is such an infuriating disappointment. The fun heart of the game- fast paced arcade zombie shooting- is still in there. But that heart has been eaten up by its own decayed and uncontrollable body that has been haphazardly brought back to life.

Since I started writing this review, the game has since been released on PlayStation, Xbox and PC. If it looks or plays better on them, I honestly don’t want to know. I already spent $20 on an apparently inferior version, I’m not giving them more.

I know someone in New York that feels the same way.

VERDICT: DO NOT BUY

Pros: Fun zombie killer (Once you get it to work...)

Natural multiple path progression

Cons: Graphics muddy and low-res

No online leaderboards

Gyroscope controls are DREADFUL

Ducky 'n Nuggy: Toree 3D

Anyone who reads my blog may know that I’ve been around the block when it comes to video games. Ever since I could pick up a controller at a super young age and play Super Mario Bros., I’ve never looked back. I’ve played casual fare like Plants vs. Zombies and can go hard on a game like Doom on Ultra-Violence. And while I’m always trying to expand my tastes to other types of games (See: Elden Ring), I know where my go-tos are.

But what about someone who might be getting into this kind of stuff? Someone whose toes are just dipping into the swimming pool a little later on than others?

In that case, let me introduce my girlfriend, who I lovingly call, Nuggy. 

In 2020, I began a grand journey, a journey into the world of gaming. Much like life I struggled to find myself , wondering where I belonged! Every genre of  game felt like a distant planet, so for a long time I hid from dimensions I was afraid of failing in. My first game was Asphalt 9 Legends which SpeedQueen94 still rules the track. I could`ve played it safe, but I chose to venture out to hidden object games(Mystery Case Files), and most recently a 3D platformer known as Toree 3D which my boyfriend Ducky (That’s me!) recommended to me.

Toree 3D is probably something I would’ve shrugged at seeing it on the Switch eShop. But after seeing the game in action on a YouTube binge, the low-res style along with the cheap dollar price tag convinced me to give it a go. I thought this would make a good game for Nuggy to play too since it was also on Steam for the same price.

I planned on doing a review on it, but she had the idea of combining forces to present two different perspectives on the game. One coming from someone a little more seasoned and the other from someone’s first crack on a game like this. 

So now that you know the name, it's time to play the game! 

Released in 2021, Toree 3D was developed by an indie game developer known as Siactro. Some of his other contributions to the gaming world include Macbat64 in 2017, and a sequel Toree 2, which was made public the same year as Toree 3D. He's also working on another game entitled Super Kiwi 64, which he plans to release later this year. 

As Toree, a bird-duck donning cool shades and a backpack, players traverse nine levels to retrieve their ice cream that was stolen by a weird cyber reaper looking sonuvabitch. This includes jumping over rooftops under starry skies, hopping across cars and trucks on a Tokyo highway, riding wind tunnels over the ocean and slipping and sliding around on icy hills.

Visually, Toree is bright and colorful with its cutesy low-res texture work but also hides something menacing under the surface. Brief moments in-game unleashing that undertone- those super shiny smiling stars turn into something warped and distorted for example- will definitely keep you on your toes each level. But it doesn’t detract from its gameplay. It’s creepy without resorting to in-your-face jumpscares, which for a scaredy-cat like me, is a major plus!

I don't scare that easy sucker! Remember that last scene in Shark Night 3D?

Don’t you start with that again…

Can I have that back please?

My personal belief is that color defines the aura of the environment, and when you play Toree 3D, both the essence of danger and relaxation is amplified. In levels such as Sea Mama`s Harbor, I felt a sense of fun, casual enjoyment, given the lighter colors. In levels such as Edge Runner, Neo Osaka, and  It’s World , a color scheme of a darker nature is very present, much like that of the enemies in the game.

One enemy that  you encounter is what I have unaffectionately named Death Stars (Would you believe that she’s never seen a Star Wars movie?). These stars act like a radioactive beacon that homes in on your location as the environment turns apocalyptic, knowing that your end is near. It's also at this point that I felt a sense of urgency to jump to the next platform, as the world got darker it became hard for me to locate the next platform.

Stop me if you've seen this before...

The game’s stages seem to take some inspiration from Sonic the Hedgehog games with a dash of Super Mario 64 in the ice levels. One level in particular, Windy Ocean, is clearly inspired by Metal Harbor in Sonic Adventure 2, with similar warships much like in that game.

While it can be easy going at one’s own pace (or to gather the collectables in each level), it’s encouraged to blast through ‘em in less than two minutes for the best ranking. Get a guy who knows what he’s doing, Toree 3D can be beaten in less than an hour. They’re quick for easy replayability and finding that rhythm through the levels gives off a fun rush.

But there are parts- usually involving moving platforms- that slows that momentum down to a crawl. One or two especially led to serious speed bumps (one moving car early on in Neo Osaka for example) that threatened lesser ranks and restarts.

There’s also two secret characters to unlock. Though by the time you acquire them, there’s not much else to do except replay for faster times or cheese the levels for laughs.

Nice teeth

As a gamer that's new to a genre such as a 3D platformer, I faced three main challenges; depth, timing, and a SLOOOW camera. Toree 3D`s platforming has its tough moments for someone like me because of my lack of experience, though it's worth it when you reach that goal flag on all nine levels in the PC version. My shortest level time was on Hungry Mountain Peak, which was 4 minutes and 16 seconds. My longest level time was on It`s World, which was about 1 and a half hours.

One of the easiest  types of platforms in the game were the ice ones. Whether a truck or a road, those I found very easy to maneuver. The conveyor trucks on the other hand were my worst nemesis, to be able to navigate from one to the next was very difficult. The hardest levels for me to complete were the darkest ones, even though there are bright colors, the distance was difficult to determine.

Despite my slight previous experience with the parkour obbys in Roblox, and the instructions I got from my Ducky on how to play, I still needed his help near the end of It`s World (She did finish the rest on her own!). I think it's safe to say that Toree 3D is challenging in a good way. For those who play these games often it's easy, but those who are just starting out it can be tough!

This aren't the stars you were looking for.

I do think that I could`ve beat some levels quicker if the PC version had better camera controls. Even after I turned up the camera sensitivity, it was still slow moving. I had to swiftly take my finger off the jump button just so I could move the camera. It's this element of Toree 3D that should be fixed in my opinion, an efficient camera is vital.

I checked them myself too. Changing the sensitivity didn’t seem to do much.

Unlike the trouble Nuggy had with her controls, I found the camera controls on my Switch copy (published by Diplodocus Games) to be pretty solid. It had the L and R buttons move the camera which helped in those more tougher spots without having to move my thumb away from the pick up ‘n play jump and run controls.

It also includes four “remix” stages not included in the PC version (but are for free on Siactro’s itch.io page). They’re not required for 100% completion, but serve to bring some extra meat to complete for anyone looking for seconds, and a bit more of a challenge too.

Despite how negative I may have sounded, Toree 3D is a great platformer that is arguably too good to be worth a buck on the eShop. Quick, cutesy with a spice of creepy, and levels that can be fun to breeze through again and again. It’s a good game for anyone looking to speedrun or kill some time on a car trip or on the crapper. 

And again- ONE DOLLAR.

Did someone misplace a parrot? 

BWAAAK! ONE DOLLAR! *whistles*

Before I started this game, it would have been beyond my comprehension of reality. Toree 3D made it possible for me to complete a genre of game that I felt was beyond my skills. I`m personally thanking Siactro for having the courage to develop this game, it's truly a gift to the world. And last but definitely not least, a thank you to my Ducky for having the faith in me not just to play Toree 3D, but for me to work on this review.

Aside from the one flaw in the PC version, it's perfect for anyone who wants to learn a 3D platformer. It's fun and exciting to play Toree 3D, cause even when I struggled, it left me wanting more. 

That’s why there’s a sequel, honey. :)

The Things That I Want: The Max Payne Remakes

In what feels like an impossible dream come true- Rockstar Games and Remedy Entertainment have decided to bring the band back together and remake BOTH Max Payne 1 and 2 for modern platforms. And for anyone that still has that rotten taste after the GTA “Definitive” editions, Remedy themselves will be in charge of remaking the titles with their own in-house Northlight engine.

I’m so pumped to see these games come roaring back with new firepower and with enough painkillers to kill twenty men. TWICE. And on top of the long awaited Alan Wake 2? Fans like me will be partying like the Old Gods this generation

Having said that… it IS a REMAKE. In a world where we’ve gotten remakes of Spyro and Crash Bandicoot with few changes content wise, something similar could happen with Max. Shiny new graphics, updated controls and maybe a couple new surprises. But then there are others like Mafia or Final Fantasy VII that have changed a lot more than just a few cutscenes and missions. 

Being made with a AAA budget and scale, I’m already expecting some serious changes to come up into Max’s depressing little world. And should they come to pass, I’ve come up with a list of things that I’d like to see happen with the Max Payne remakes. This list is in no particular order, and it’s early speculation since the games are currently in pre-production. 

McCaffery IS Payne:

McCaffery as Trench in Control (2019)

One thing remakes unfortunately like to do involves changing or adding in additional dialogue. Which means having to redo all the original voice acting, sometimes with different actors. Usually new voice overs are considered inferior to fans who have been accustomed to the original VOs for years. Studying their deliveries and nuances- anything different would be considered blasphemy.

I could accept it if they decide to re-record all the voice acting. But if there’s ONE person that needs to reprise their role, it’s Max Payne himself- James McCaffery. His voice is perfect in delivering his slight monotone metaphor laden narration and I cannot see anyone else do any better. The man IS Max Payne.

This is the easiest expectation since McCaffery has been in other Remedy games since Payne. He’s the voice of Thomas Zane (the poet or the filmmaker?) in Alan Wake and appears as Former Dir. Zachariah Trench in Control. Getting him back to don the metaphorical jacket one more time should be no problem!

Besides, Rockstar tried once before to replace McCaffery early on for Max Payne 3 and nobody liked that.

The Face of a Broken Man:

The face of a generation

Sam Lake, creative director at Remedy and creator of Max Payne, is as synonymous with the studio as Payne himself. He’s the one who modeled as Payne in the original game, giving us the iconic face fans have memed for years.

So having that iconic face come back in the remake is a freakin’ no brainer. Some people would probably suggest having Lake reprise himself as Payne. I mean, why not? He's clearly still got it. 

Still got it after all these years... (Source: Remedy on YouTube)

But if that doesn’t appear to be the case, at least we should be able to have the original look as an unlockable for completing the game or something like that. A nice little reward for the old school fans.

Also, think of the meme material having that smirk stay glued on during a serious cutscene. 

"Funny as hell, it was the most horrible thing I can think of."

Different Games, Same Digs:

The Fall of Max Payne

Admittedly, I haven’t played The Fall of Max Payne as much as the first game. I’ve probably waltzed around junkies at Roscoe Street Station more times than I’ve tangoed with cleaners at a construction site. But recently when the games became backwards compatible for my Xbox Series X, I ran through them again in celebration.

Jumping into MP2 after playing MP1 felt… odd. I couldn’t shake this strange feeling when I started playing the game. I even restarted it the day after to see if it would go away. Perhaps it was because I was more familiar with the first game?

Eventually, I was able to comfortably play it, but that feeling never fully went away. Like a familiar friend I hadn’t seen in years, he felt more like a stranger. I’ve toyed with replaying the game after the announcement, just to see if that feeling is still there.

With the remakes being developed together as a singular package, it’ll probably mean the games will play more or less the same as one another. Similar looks and feel with maybe some additional writing to make for a seamless transition between the two games. Not looking for exactly 1:1, but maybe it won’t give me that odd feeling between playing 1 to 2. 

Tribute to a Tribute:

Honestly, could be worse. Could be in a movie.

Max Payne 1 and 2 used most of their cutscenes in the form of a graphic novel throughout the games. It was a creative decision to help tell the story and set up the atmosphere despite technical limitations at the time of the PlayStation 2 and original Xbox. 

When Max Payne 3 came out in 2012 for the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360, the game switched to using traditional cutscenes. But in tribute to the original games, Rockstar used transitions or camera cuts in ways that were similar to comic book panels. Certain keywords or dialogue appeared in the air as characters spoke, like the kind you'd see in speech bubbles. Even the loading screens paid homage to Max’s roots.

Example of one moment in Max Payne 3 (source: Sergggable on YouTube)

I wouldn’t be surprised if Remedy turned the graphic novel sequences into full-on cutscenes for the remakes. But what would really surprise me is if they did something similar to what Rockstar did with MP3 for their cutscenes. Not only would the games stay true to their original roots, but would bring the trilogy together in a way they couldn’t before in the past. 

MP3 came out nine years after the previous two games (MP2 in 2003), and by the time the remakes will have been released, it will have been over ten years for them to fully size up to its flashier younger brother.

Talk about a vicious cycle of vengeance.

Payne Goes By Other Names…

With the release of Control, Remedy has confirmed that both that game and Alan Wake are part of a connected universe. Unfortunately, since the Max Payne IP is owned by Rockstar, it can’t be part of that world. But that doesn’t mean it can’t bleed over into it…

Remedy likes to leave plenty of easter eggs in their games. One that likes to keep coming up from the dark waters is the FBI agent Alex Casey. In Alan Wake, he’s the main character in the hard-boiled novels Alan wrote before his nightmare vacation to Bright Falls. You can pick up a couple of manuscript pages early on that can be read over, containing a lot of references to the series… and also narrated by Max’s voice.

Remedy seems to have plans with what looks to be a rechristened Max Payne with Casey continuing to be brought up in both Quantum Break (also not directly connected) and Control. Perhaps the Payne remakes will return the favor with their own indirect connections to Remedy’s other games?

Maybe the next time we hear the Address Unknown TV segments, John Mirra’s voice will sound vaguely familiar to that of a particular writer… if the whole situation didn’t already strike any chords after watching the AW2 teaser.

I've put a lot of faces on this post.
This one should scare you.

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What do YOU think they should put in the Max Payne remakes? Leave a comment below and let me know what you think about this article. Also, while I hate to sound like THAT GUY, please share with anyone that’d be interested in Always Delayed and for more future content like this!

Other links to content used in this article:

Max Payne Remake Announcement

Max Payne 3 VA Change

Remedy Connected Universe Reveal

E3 2022 Cancellation and E3 Memories

 

In what could be filed under "Who Honestly Cares?", the ESA (Entertainment Software Association) has announced that this year's E3 (Electronic Entertainment Expo) has been officially cancelled. Earlier in the year, they had already decided to cancel the physical show in lieu of a digital only showcase, but it seems they've decided to scrap the whole thing altogether. "But wait! Don't worry!" they'd say, "We'll be back again with a kickass show next year in 2023!!!"

I could go into the number of reasons/excuses to why the show is going dark this year; COVID, lack of interest, etc. Instead, I'll do something a little different. I'd like to share a few memories I have of E3 over the years. Times I can remember- some from recognized in/famous moments to others obscure and more personal. Consider this a retrospective of sorts, good or bad, of what the show had once been and what it has become now.

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The earliest I can think back to was in 2007. Me and my brother were just starting to discover the bigger gaming communities on the internet. At that time, our first resource for new games came from GameTrailers.com. Over time, not only would we find about new games coming out there, it also introduced us to a number of gaming inspired series like The Angry Video Game Nerd (James Rolfe/Cinemassacre) or the Gmod Idiot Box. Some of these introductions came in the way of fan reuploads (bootlegs) or community posts which the site allowed. This also introduced me to some of the more... softer age-restricted stuff.

But I digress.

It was our first year watching coverage of E3. We didn't watch the conferences that year, instead focusing on individual coverage of games we had interest in playing. The biggest game I was looking forward to at that time was The Simpsons Game. I was really into the show back then and I kept rewatching trailers and constantly looked for any new scraps of gameplay footage I could find.

My copy of the game for 360. I originally had a PS2 and DS copies of the game. Wonder what happened to that DS copy?

Most anticipated game of that year, amirite?

The only universal part of that year's show we did watch came from GT's E3 awards. Best of Show, Best Console Game, Most Disappointing, you know. The most nostalgic part I have from these videos were the announcers. One guy would introduce the videos and the titles for each category and another gave off a brief explanation after him. The one who introduced the videos had a weighty voice that put importance on each game and the other had a rapid fire softer tone.

It was good stuff- visually with footage of the game presented and narration gave each of them their proper due in the spotlight with a balance between the two I found perfect. Even thinking about those videos now, I can almost hear the intro guy perfectly in my head.

Sadly, GameTrailers has since shut down a few years back. Only remnants on YouTube are either an archive channel or, ironically, fan reuploads. GT is still around however, but only on YouTube posting... game trailers.

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The following year we did start to watch some of the conferences, mainly Sony and Nintendo because we had their platforms. This was still when their E3 conferences were oriented more on the business side of things. In between game demos of Fallout or a Call of Duty trailer, they had these segments that went into sales figures and what they expected from their hardware/software going into the future. These were always the most boring parts. I didn't care about numbers or graphs, just show me some damn games!

We weren't the only ones. With more and more people beginning to watch these conferences online (and even on TV at one point!), E3 found itself in an awkward transition. Eventually the sales portions were phased out by the beginning of the 2010s with an emphasis on entertaining and hyping up the mainstream audiences at home. Some had celebrities brought in to host or present during the show- whether they actually played games or not is another question- to garner attention and make headlines.

Bet you lost your shit when Keanu Reeves came on stage during the CyberPunk 2077 segment of Xbox's showcase in 2019.

It's ok, I did too. He can be breathtaking.

This didn't work all of the time. Namely in the case with Ubisoft's conferences, it led to some disastrously spectacular results. Perhaps the most infamous of theirs came in 2011 with this guy... everyone say it with me!

MR. CAFFEINE.

On initial impressions, I honestly LIKED him. As his nickname described, he brought in a lot of energy and I remember actually laughing at a couple of his jokes. But like everyone else, he eventually outstayed his welcome and wished he would go away and get plowed by a bus outside. He's like that one obnoxious friend whose had one too many energy drinks and will not for the love of God SHUT THE HELL UP!

Nowadays, I don't even bother with Ubisoft's presentations. It also helps that they're snobby rich assholes that like to bully their studios with toxic work cultures and sexually harass others. Soooo...fuck 'em!

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Speaking of assholes- EA!

I never cared about their EA Sports segments during their showcases. Not about whatever they were "adding" to that year's Madden or what this game meant to some athlete they brought in to promote it. Much like the sales segments, I wanted them to get on with it and bring on games I would actually give a shit about.

But there is one thing looking back now however, I feel stupid complaining about during their FIFA portion. Every time they brought the games up, they had kept calling it football. This would have me and bro constantly say back at the screen-

"IT'S SOCCER! NOT FOOTBALL!"

Announcing the latest football game, online football clubs, whoever was up on stage called it football, football football football- Why the hell did they keep calling it that? We already have a sport called football here, call it Soccer! It was something we kept complaining about every year they presented the next FIFA game.

Of course I know NOW why they called it football (or futbol)  because that's what the sport is called internationally. I think at that time, being American, the presentation in America, it should've been addressed by its American name. It feels like this one clip I found online of some jackass screaming out "ENGLISH ONLY! USA!" because some woman on stage spoke Spanish at a KIDNERGARTEN RECITAL. I was being a jackass and at my young age, unintentionally culturally insensitive (possibly racist) too.

This video in fact.

I've gotten over it since then and don't make those complaints now. It's something I've not officially opened up about in the past and if I never brought it up, it's probably something nobody would really care about. "You got up in arms because it wasn't called Soccer. Who cares?" But I felt it was worth sharing and worth reflecting on here and what I felt was really stupid thinking that way on my part.

Now if they could only make the games worth playing without having to spend ungodly amounts of money for crap that won't mean anything the following year.

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E3 was one of my first major gateways into the gaming world. Checking out at all the new stuff that was coming out used to be pretty exciting. Now I'm just not as hyped up for things as I used to be and I've become somewhat jaded at the industry at large. E3 means something different now than it did back then and I probably won't miss it when it eventually dies.

It's been rough for the expo the past few years. Sony and EA both dropped out to do their own thing. If E3 does come back next year, I liken it to EA's NBA Live games. It might be a good show, maybe better than previous years, but it won't have as much of that presence or attention it once had. Might not even stay consistent either. Who knows when Xbox or Nintendo decide to fully check out too?

I don't see E3 making it past the 2020s. It's crippled and either needs to do something to make it more relevant again or get taken out back and end its misery. Once it's gone, something else will always come in its place to fill its shoes. 

With Directs and State of Plays and The Game Premieres Awards... maybe it's already happened.

Don't worry Geoff...I'll get to you soon enough.

Shad0wScrub and the Elden Ring- A Review

RELEASED: February 25, 2022

DEVELOPER: FromSoftware

PLAYED ON: Xbox Series X

Elden Ring is a game I didn’t expect to play as long as I have been. I had tried out developer FromSoftware’s original Dark Souls game a long time back, but after a couple of hours, gave up on it. I had figured those games just weren’t for me and despite mild curiosity for Elden Ring, I shrugged it off considering my prior history.

But because my brother got the game digitally and our libraries on my Xbox are connected, I decided to give this game a try in the hopes something about this game would actually click for me. 

The first time I walked out into Elden Ring’s open world, I had to take a moment to admire how JAWDROPPING the graphics were. Looking at the flora and fauna and the landscapes around me were full of detail and color. Lush forests and blood-red hellish landscapes to gargantuan castles and special spots that show off wide views of the world and their landmarks off in the foggy distance. 

What a view...

Not to slack off talking about the various creatures and characters that populate this world, they look tremendous as well. Charismatic talking giant jars, knights decked out in extensively crafted armor, or hellhounds that look as if the devs forgot to turn big head mode off for them. It's clear they put a lot of time and design into all of ER’s world and population and I love being able to look at it whenever it gives me something to gawk at both in its beautiful and beastly forms.

And I’m only digging at the surface here! This game is HUGE and it kept surprising me just how much of its size and scope it was truly keeping behind the curtain. Starting out, the map is pretty big enough in its own right. Then just when you think you’ve gone through a pretty good amount of it, THE DAMN MAP DOUBLES IN SIZE! And that’s not going into what’s UNDERGROUND, but I’ll just leave it at that.

And the strongest element that has kept me playing Elden Ring comes from that FREEDOM to explore this world. Sure, one could simply walk in a straight line to go against the demigods if they’re skillful enough (or have a death wish), but will miss a lot of nuances and rewards others will find by going through it all with a thin toothed comb. There’s a lot to get up to, and the options for traversal are pretty useful. There is a fast travel system to return to any locations found previously and a magical horse you can call for those more shorter or unexplored ventures. There are a number of places that do reuse some level designs or even bosses (namely the amount of catacombs and caves), but given the sheer size of the game, I find that can be somewhat forgiven.

Yes, he is wearing a pot on his head.

Storytelling shares in that sense of freedom too. They keep the premise simple- special macguffin is destroyed, remains go to a group of people who become corrupted by its power, shit goes south, you deal with it and become a god-smiting badass- but leave a lot for anyone wanting to learn more about what’s going on in the world. Details spill out in conversations with well voiced NPCs (I wonder why fantasy RPGs always have British voices?), looking more extensively into items in your inventory, or again, by simply exploring and stumbling upon landmarks with brief pieces of text.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, with how bleak, dilapidated and desolate Elden Ring’s world can be, there’s a strange sense of wonder and curiosity that makes me compelled to learn more about some of its secrets and people.

No, that's not creepy at all.

Now, for anyone whose first time with any of these games is this one: In short- YOU WILL DIE. A LOT. From’s SoulsBorne titles are notorious for their tough difficulty and in Elden Ring, it’s no different here.

You’ll take small bits and pieces out of enemies while they hit back like Mack trucks and kill you in a few hits or less. If you plan on going in gung-ho, they WILL open up your asshole like it was in a porno (no lube either). Besides for a tutorial at the start to teach you the basics, this game DOES NOT hold your hand.

There have been times I have cried out ‘Bullshit!’ and times that the game likes to make trouble. Going into some caves or being sent to an unknown location by an unfortunate teleporter limits your fast travel abilities until you can find another Site of Grace (the game’s resting spots and the equivalent to DS’s bonfires) or find the exit to the surface. There are surprise traps the game sets up to tr0ll you and take you out with your pants down.

Some boss fights have you tackle TWO bosses at the SAME TIME, which they end up ganging up on you for easy kills, especially in tighter arenas. Hell, say the same with regular enemies when they get together in bigger numbers. 

Then there are the seriously annoying enemies like the stone imps or those ogre looking things (I didn’t look up what they are called, sue me.) or the burly and ferocious as hell grizzly bears that just… WON’T… STOP.

Oh, and the crucible knights. FUCK THOSE KNIGHTS.

OH FUCK RIGHT OFF.

This game can be rather cruel… but I don’t think it’s without mercy.

Elden Ring’s gameplay carries a lot of weight in how you level up, use and upgrade weapons, gather or buy materials and resources to make useful items, and how you learn from your enemies in combat. The crafting system is fundamentally simple and there’s a lot of material to find and notebooks to expand what you can make. Understanding what kind of build you want your character to have and leveling them up properly leads to better efficiency, your enemies dying more than you were. Shotgunning to various stats at random can only lead to slower progression and… more of a bad day.

In fact, FromSoft seems to encourage seeking other options and assistance in order to make things not as challenging as it could potentially be. Spirits can be found to become summons in battle to help even the odds or serve as a distraction. Invite a buddy online to help take out a boss that’s pissing you off. It’s not a bad idea either to leave a spot that’s causing you grief to grind and get stronger, which benefits the open world because there’s still so much to find and gain from. It does mean swallowing your pride and licking your wounds (I know, trust me), but sometimes it is better to fight another day. Finding that special weapon or item or growing a few levels higher, can serve to turn the tide.

Then when you do come back to that spot and get back at that tough boss; study their attacks and time your retaliation, then that moment when the boss is killed, when that health bar goes down to zero? When you feel that shudder in your breath, that cooling sense of relief after a long, tiring and heavy battle- THAT’S the true reward in a game like Elden Ring…

Now I AM the Crucible Knight!

…though some of the in-game rewards after killing a boss or a tough enemy can suck. Or they go down like total bitches, which can also deflate some of those victories.

A few other observations; while for the most part the graphics are extremely good, I did notice a few odd graphical glitches. One example from an enemy’s shadow that was behind me that moved from side to side in a way that looked like they were stuck in slo-mo. The controls do suffer from some delayed input when hit, your character does the action you were trying to do prior to getting hit. Sometimes the AI wouldn’t react when I was attacking them or would behave in an odd manner. 

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When I started Elden Ring, I had set some low expectations for myself on how long I would’ve been playing this game. I gave myself a ten hour window to determine if I wanted to keep pressing onward or give up altogether.

Honestly, I’m glad I stuck with it! I’ve clocked in over 100 hours of game time and I’ve since gone out and gotten my own copy of the game. While it’s still a ballbuster like its older brothers and sisters, I find myself more willing to take on the challenge this time around in such a beautifully crafted and measured experience as Elden Ring. It’s probably FromSoftware’s greatest take on their own SoulsBorne titles and I find myself wanting to try and tackle Dark Souls again, with newfound knowledge and affection for the genre.

Which SHOULD make it easy to recommend Elden Ring immediately for the two or three others that haven’t gotten their hands on the game. However, after hearing of FromSoftware’s apparent poor working conditions (reports to which I have linked at the end of this review), I can only render picking up this game or not solely on the reader. Poor pay and miserable working conditions should not be something that should exist in this day and age.

Perhaps the tales of the SoulsBorne games can be representative of FromSoftware themselves. Bleak and probably soul crushing, all for that sigh of triumph and relief.

Only to delve back into the darkness once again… 

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Final Verdict: Think It Over First

Reasons: While Elden Ring is a fantastic game, with great graphics and tough but measured gameplay, FromSoft’s unsavory work ethics keep me from wholeheartedly recommending it to anyone who feels uncomfortable supporting these practices.

Pros: Gameplay gives you the tools to handle its harsh challenges.

That feeling of victory after defeating a tough boss.

Breathtaking graphics and design.

A massive open world that’s full of surprises.

Cons: Annoying enemies/surprise encounters

Some underwhelming rewards

Occasionally some repetitive level design

  

Links for FromSoft’s Miserable Work Conditions:

https://www.thegamer.com/fromsoftware-employees-report-poor-pay-and-working-conditions/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k76FYDlvX2I

Please do not attack or bully anyone! Even the best games/developers are not above scrutiny.

Even the best of Tarnished needs to clean themselves...and their armor.